Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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