Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
