Your face is a jimmy john
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
