Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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