i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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