Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
