R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
