I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
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I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
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You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
how does that bad decision feel?
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