I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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