if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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