We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
