I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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