JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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