god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
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Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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