When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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