let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
