my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
