My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i think im in europe. pls send help
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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