He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
