Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I need to stop coming to work sober
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
