I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
