i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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