it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
