so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
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HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ