I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men