if only i could text you this smell
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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