A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
