I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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