If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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