At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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