90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I need moral support for this bender
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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