if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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