Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
