I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
