mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
