I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
