Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
