I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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