What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
