so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We have started to decorate penises.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
