In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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