The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
