i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize