Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
