Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
