I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
