3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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