I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
