a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
