He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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