im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.