Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
