i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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