How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Oh god it's open bar.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
