we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
