we have pet lesbian snakes
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
